


A Soul-Changing Decision

by Willow_mum



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Gen, Human-Monster War (Undertale), Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Harm, War
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-06
Updated: 2019-03-06
Packaged: 2019-11-12 17:07:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 846
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18014927
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Willow_mum/pseuds/Willow_mum
Summary: Orchid struggles with the voices in her head, leading to more than a few bad decisions.---A drabble about the night where Mara seals her fate.





	A Soul-Changing Decision

**Author's Note:**

> Hey there! If you're reading this, that probably means I directly shared the link with you, or you're really bored. This is about a few Undertale OC's of mine, so if you aren't into that sort of thing, feel free to click out. If you're still here, well... have fun ;D
> 
> Muse Blog at https://bcrnt-petcls.tumblr.com

     The warning signs come in a rush while she’s in the middle of supper at the mess hall.

Rushing outside without a word, she heads for the barracks with the feeling of something crushing her lungs.  
  
Monsters attempt to stop her on the way but she stumbles past them, her burning expression enough to make them

shrink back with fear. By the time she finally finds her tent Orchid's hands tear at her throat, lungs burning and vision blurring.

The centurion can feel her knees growing weaker by the second, and she all but runs inside before collapsing over her desk,

clinging on for dear life. The room around her darkens as suppressed, screaming memories of the battlefield claw their way out of the shadows. 

  

 

> **_I don't wanna die!_ **
> 
> **_Mother, spare me!_ **
> 
> **_Don't hurt me, please, PLEASE I'M BEGGING YO-_ **

 

     Orchid becomes faintly aware of something smoking.

 

 

> **_You monster._ **

 

     Her fingers scrape into something hard, and the satisfying smell of burning wood fills her senses.

Yes, it must be her desk. She mutely notes somewhere in her besieged psyche that, thankfully, she hasn't hit any important papers.

 

 

> **_How could you?_ **

 

     The desk creaks in protest as the scrapes become smoking channels, dug by burning hands. Faces flash before the elemental’s eyes,

each of them younger than the last. Are they so desperate as to send _children_ as fodder for her to burn to a crisp?

 

 

> **_Die, you vile DEMON! This is for my father!_ **

 

     Or were they coming willingly? Was it her fault? Was she really to blame for mere children throwing themselves

at her in vengeance? A familiar, screeching voice came to mind.

 

 

> **_Of course it’s your fault you damned, ungrateful WHORE!_ **
> 
> **_If it weren’t for you, my husband would still be alive. Maple would still have a father!_ **
> 
> **_If only you had never existed… maybe the rest of us could have been h a p p y._ **

 

     Of course, her fault. It was always her fault. She could never do anything right. Anything except protect Maple.

Yes, Maple. If not for Maple she would have already gotten rid of herself.

 

     Gods… those humans looked just like Maple out there on the battlefield. Young and angry and _innocent_ .

The look in their eyes was just so hurt, so _scared_ . How could she hurt them, how could she, how could she,

**_howcouldyouhowcouldyouhowcould-_ **

 

     A sharp pain in one of her palms brings her reeling back into reality from the chaotic storm of screams.

Orchid opens her eyes wearily to see that she’s stabbed herself with a pen. Muttering irritably, she gets up and

looks for the medicine kit, ignoring her racing heart and unsteady breathing. Ignoring the _pain_ in her

ever-tightening chest. She doesn't feel it. She refuses to feel it. It's not real. She's better than that weak, pitiful girl from those years ago.

 

     After the palm is sufficiently wrapped, she takes a moment to clear her mind. A softer, warmer memory comes to mind,

of a small child hiding under the covers while her father coaxes her back out. He hums in the darkness, rubbing her head

and letting the small child resurface from her hiding place. _There you are, my flower, finally blooming,_  he teases,

tucking the child back in with a smile. The child tries to smile back, but the look in her eyes is enough to tip him off.

The older elemental sighs and lays down next to her, enveloping his child in his arms.

 

 _Take a deep breath, and count to 5._ Otosan's voice is a comfort, one of the few luxuries she'll allow herself in this moment of weakness.

Orchid takes a deep breath, flexing her aching hand, and the memory fades, leaving the elemental aching for her life before. The ache fades, and with it comes back reality.

 

 

> **1.**

 

     Honestly, the panic attacks at this point were becoming overwhelming. Not that they actually bothered her

\--they never would, not as long as she had a say in it--but they always got in the way of her daily duties.

If she was going to protect her brother, she had to stop this futile, self-indulging guilt.

 

 

> **2.**

 

     Damn her soul trait. If she weren't so emotionally _weak,_ so _stupid_ , she might be able to do something right

for once. If only she weren’t so infuriatingly **Kind** , then she wouldn't have to deal with the soul crushing guilt

that came after a kill. Maybe then the living nightmares would stop.

 

 

> **3.**

 

If she weren't… **k i n d** ….

 

 

> **4.**

 

     The centurion’s gaze slowly returns to her desk, and she can almost picture the set of forbidden scrolls hiding in the drawers.

They had to be hidden after Be-Be found them and chewed her out for it. The idiot had almost _burned_ them!

But if the spells really changed what they claimed... Maybe… maybe she didn’t need to be so… no, she _wouldn't_ be so weak.

She didn't need her **Kindness** anymore. Not in this world, and certainly not for her lifespan. She only needed one thing to protect Maple.

 

 

> **5.**

 

**_Rage._ **


End file.
